Tag Archives: child abuse

Why I personally feel sorry for the Duggar children

I’ve gotten a ton of messages and emails about my take personally on the whole Duggar situation, how it’s been handled, the parents, the victims and of course the offender. It’s been a really tough story for me to handle on many different levels as you can imagine.  Let me see if I can tackle how I’m feeling in words for you.

I personally feel sorry for ALL of the Duggar girls. Not just the ones that were molested, but all of them.  And the boys too. None of them have had a say in their childhood at all. None of them have had a normal childhood. Because of their parents desire to produce a small army, they don’t know what it’s like to really have parents that know everything about them without having to consult a play book. For the littlest ones, the older ones are substitute parents.  We aren’t talking “The Waltons” here for anyone that remembers that show or that family. No, that was three generations under one roof.  Here we are talking about parents that refuse to use birth control and just kept having kids. They admit to using the “buddy system” to parent the children. If you aren’t familiar with the “buddy system” it’s where an older child is assigned an younger child to take care of, help with their school work, pick out their clothes, etc. You know, do the things a parent would do.

To top that off, because of their parents refusing to use birth control and their religious ideas, they caught the attention of Discovery Networks. That big beautiful house they live in? Mom and Dad Duggar bought the land and the frame, the Discovery Networks finished the house and sponsors provided a stocked pantry, art for the walls, furniture and everything else. All because Michelle and Jim Bob liked to have sex and pop out babies. Not a bad gig if you don’t give a rats butt about your kids. Each kid was another year on the television. The kids didn’t a choice. They didn’t get to say “Excuse me, Mom, Dad, I don’t want to be a part of the circus! I don’t want to be on TV. I want to go to a NORMAL school. I don’t want to be a part of the *buddy system*. ”

It’s easy to see the control that Jim Bob and Michelle have over their kids. Don’t get me wrong, the kids seem to love their parents too. But none of those kids express free will. Oh wait, Josh did by abusing his sisters. While his father was running around the state proclaiming that anyone who commits incest needs to be put to death.

While the question is about abortion, Jim Bob drags in incest. The same year his son was committing this crime.
While the question is about abortion, Jim Bob drags in incest. The same year his son was committing this crime.

And while we are talking about the parents insanity, who can forget about Michelle Duggar’s robocall last year about transgender rights? You know the one where she claimed that they were sexual predators? If you haven’t heard it, you can find it here.

So wait a minute. Jim Bob says that if you commit incest you should be put to death. And Michelle says that gays and transgender folks are child predators. So does that mean that Josh is gay or transgender and that he will be put to death? No, not in their world. Because they prayed and he is forgiven. I’m not sure how that works, why he’s so special.

Now, lets discuss his victims. America is a country that will not name a victim of rape or molestation if they are under 18. That means that for the average person, like me, our stories while they may hit the press they don’t have our names and pictures plastered with them unless we say it’s okay. I happen to be a grown woman with 30 years of therapy under my belt, so I’m okay with people knowing my story and having a picture to put with it. I’m okay talking about it because I’ve had that therapy. However, I remember before I had therapy how I felt. I didn’t want to talk about it, I didn’t want the public knowing, I didn’t want my friends knowing. I had tried to tell people to get help and help never came. I can’t imagine how these girls are feeling. We already know that their brother didn’t get any real help, he went away for three months, read the bible and built a barn. When he came home, there was more “tame” time. I guess that means he was kept away from the girls more? But the girls, they were told to forgive and forget. How can they forget? And why do they HAVE to forgive? So let’s recap this, they were molested by their brother, their lives have been splashed all over tv for the past 15 years (including the time when they were being molested), they haven’t received any therapy or help and now the whole world knows which girls were molested, even the one under 18. And they have no choice or say in ANY of it. The sheer fact that they haven’t all fallen apart is amazing. But then again, behind closed doors and away from the camera, maybe they are are falling apart. I don’t know.

We need to place the blame for this nightmare where it belongs, with the parents. They weren’t there for the kids, they placed the responsibility for raising the little ones on the older ones. They sheltered the kids and gave them no one to talk to really. Sure they could talk to members of the church, but how does that work when your Dad is pretty high up in the church?  How long before we find out more dirt in the Duggar closet?

On the subject of Josh….he needs to be punished. He needs to make amends. He needs therapy. He wasn’t a “kid” when he committed the crime. There are “kids” that are parents at that age. According to the bible, he was already past the age of accountability. He needs to be held accountable.

Knowledge is freedom

I learned a few things over the past few days. Some of it hurt, some of it made me realize how foolish I’ve been and some of it made me realize that I’m okay. Remember, I posted a few days ago that I had a sibling die? Well, I finally found her obit online. No big surprise, the adopted sibling, wasn’t mentioned. They like to deny that I was adopted but they can’t explain how my birth certificate got changed.  But I pretty much expected to be left out of her “family”.

The source of knowledge
The source of knowledge

In reading her obit, I realized that they always told me that she had a Master’s Degree in Psychology. Apparently she didn’t. I found it funny that assuming her husband Charles wrote the obit, he left out the job that she was doing when they met. She was a soda jerk at a department store in Chicago. I don’t remember the name of the store, but they sold a drink called the “Green River”, it’s how I learned to drink out of a straw.  And I found it amusing that that they got her mother’s name wrong. Her mother’s maiden name was Sanders. Not Yonts and it was never spelled with a Z. Beverly and Dorothy like to say that the spelling was changed so that Robert’s first wife couldn’t find him for child support. If that’s true then how did he get his brothers to change the spelling of the name too. And isn’t that a lot of expense for poor people to go through just to avoid having to pay child support? See if you look hard enough, their stories fall apart. And then there’s the matter of HIS birth certificate, it’s spelled with an S there too.  If you change your name, they don’t change your birth certificate. If you are adopted they do. Which would explain why my birth certificate shows that Dorothy and I have the same mother.

But the real knowledge came from something simple, like trying to find where to send flowers. Somewhere in the back of my head, under my crushed self esteem, no matter how Dorothy treated me, I’ve always felt that she was better than I was, no matter what she was always smarter than I was, prettier than I was, and had nicer things. So out of curiosity, I found her address. The house that she shared with her family. And you know what, It’s actually smaller than ours. And this is the same house that she’s had since the 80’s. I’ve been jealous for no reason. The sister that I’ve always had on a pedestal even though she didn’t deserve it, was no better than me. So she had a master’s degree, it wasn’t in psychology. She was a social worker.

She was no better than I am. She was a survivor in denial.

The death of a sibling

There were seven siblings, each one of us had suffered her abuse. While we don’t speak to each other, we all have the unspoken bond of being the “Surviving Seven”. I got the news last night that we were now six. The news made me sad for her family, but not sad for me.

The baby is the only survivor here.
The baby is the only survivor here.

You see we had not been close in 35 years. Not since she accused me of trying to seduce her worthless husband and threw me out of her house, I was 16. Up until then she had been my hero.  When I was little, she was my world. She taught me how to drink out of a straw, she took care of me when *Mother* had surgery. She took me to the dentist for the first time in my life. In fact, the only time I can remember until I was a teenager. She was thin, she was beautiful, she was kind, she was smart, I thought she loved me like I loved her. I thought she understood. My first clue came when she wanted me beat because her son fell into the water. It wasn’t my fault, but she didn’t see it that way.

Later when I was 13, her husband wanted me to watch porn with him. I told *Mother* she believed me. My sister didn’t. I showed her where the porn was, she said that I was snooping. Her loyalty was with her husband. As a grown up, I understand that a wife tends to believe her husband. But in this case, our niece confirmed the story too. I was labeled as the troublemaker. I had shown our niece where the porn was, I was trying to turn everyone against my brother-in-law.

Three years later, I really needed her. I needed her love, I needed her help. I got very little help and no love. She treated me like an evil person. I was allowed to stay at her house until I could find another place to stay. But I wasn’t allowed to interact with her family. I wasn’t good enough. I was trouble. I had a chance to get my life together and my sister, the great psychologist, took that chance away. She threw me out of her out because I had a yeast infection and she was inspecting my underwear to make sure I wasn’t having sex with her husband. Because we all know that if a 16 year old girl is having sex with a man over 40 it’s the girls fault right? She threw me out in the night  and that was the last time I spoke to her.

I’m sad for her three children. I’m not sad for her creep of a husband. But at the same time, I’m left to ponder a few things. Why was her facebook page under her middle name and her maiden name? Why are her three children not on her facebook page or her husband’s facebook page. Did their perfect little family finally implode? I’ll never know the answers because out of the Remaining Six, five refuse to speak to me unless it’s to yell at me or cuss me out for telling the story that we all lived. While I threw open the door to the closet and let all the roaches out and the skeletons out too, they want to deny it all. But that’s okay, we all know the truth and we all have to live with it.