Category Archives: Reflections

I didn’t ask you to like me

I get it, I really do. I’m outspoken. I say what’s on my mind and I’m not shy about it. I don’t live in a world of sunshine and daisies and I don’t pretend that I’m something I’m not. That makes YOU uncomfortable. I’m comfortable with me though. I’m sorry you aren’t. But here’s the thing, I didn’t ask you to like me, I didn’t ask you to be my friend. That doesn’t mean that I’m not happy you are my friend, but it doesn’t give you the right to try and change me.  It doesn’t mean you can tell me who I can or cannot talk to or when.

If you don’t like that I post controversial things on my facebook page, then unfriend or hide me. But don’t tell me that using the word fuck three times in one post makes me sound like trailer trash. Here’s the deal, I don’t like that you post every recipe that you find nor do I like it that you share lies about our POTUS and I certainly don’t like it that you support a rapist. But here’s the deal, instead of posting on your wall or calling you, I’ve hidden you from my news feed. Because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

And you over there that decided that the “country is a church”. Here’s a thought for you. You aren’t a christian. You are the farthest thing in the world from a christian. I could say a LOT of really mean things about you here because I found out some really interesting things about you. However, unlike you, I won’t. I understand that you are mentally ill, that’s why you decided to tell me that since I didn’t believe like you that I deserved to be beat and raped as a child. I hope you get help. I really do. And I hope that you don’t get custody of your children back until you do get help. It’s best for them. Because really, if you believe that I deserved to be treated the way I was treated because I don’t believe like you do, what would happen to your daughters if they decided they didn’t believe the way you do.

What this all boils down to is simple. This is my blog, it’s my facebook page, it’s my twitter feed, if you don’t like what I post, then unfriend me, don’t follow me, don’t read what I write. It’s okay. I’ll be alright and so will you. Freedom of speech is great. Its guaranteed by our Constitution. Is my speech always pretty, nope it’s not. Is it how I feel, yep it is. I’m sorry if I’m too honest or real for you. I’m sorry that you want to live in a world of sunshine and daisies. I’ve never been lucky enough to know what that world is like, but honestly it sounds kinda boring. I’m not saying that everything has to be a battle or a controversy but it’s not always happy go lucky either. Life is real, it has it’s ups and it’s downs, we have good days and bad. I can promise you this, as your friend I will be there for you during those good days and those bad. And I will never look down on you when you are having a bad day or when you feel the need to scream about something, even if I don’t agree with it. I will have your back. THAT is what friendship is about, not trying to change someone.

How to turn a victim into a villian

A long time ago in a galaxy known as Yahoo there were things known as “chat rooms” and they were nice places where people of like minds to get together, talk and form lasting relationships. Sadly not all these relationships wonderful.

I bring you the tale of one such “chat room” for the purpose of this blog we will call it Religious River. And in the beginning it was great, it started out on  IRC and moved to Yahoo Chat where people who sit for hours keeping the room open so that others would find the room and gather. Before long a great group of people became regulars. Husbands and wives were there, mothers and daughters, roommates, housewives looking for others who believed the way they did, it was a great gathering. And in the beginning it was beautiful.

And then came the tricksters, the troublemakers, the hate bringers. At first they were fun, they told jokes and made people laugh. That’s what tricksters do. They made friends because not everyone wanted to have serious conversations and share ideas all the time. And there was a division in the chat room.

Then came along the males who introduced cybersex. And the women in the group started fighting over the affections of the males in the group. Sides were taken in some cases and people sat on fences and said “Oh I can’t be upset with anyone because you are all my friends.”

And then real life smacked the chat room and one of the “beloved” members who helped start the room was arrested for child molestation. And the room was divided. The child molester told the same lies that all child molesters tell and people who sat on fences believed him over the victim. The 12 year old victim and her mother were obviously lying. This man could never rape a child. Just like he could never setup cameras in the girls bathroom of his blind brothers teen club and watch the videos of young girls changing clothes. And the only child porn he EVER downloaded was for “research” and he only kept a copy of what he was turning into the police just in case the cops lost the evidence. All of that was believable over the word of the cops, the doctors, the child and the mother.

So the chat room turned on the mother and the child, the child was not a victim but one of the two villains who took the beloved member of the group away.  And then one of the group decided that it was not the child’s fault, it was the mother! The mother was evil and vile and the person contacted the child and tried to convince the child to run away from the mother and hide on a farm where there were other teenagers hiding from their horrible parents.

Now we flash forward, the mother has moved on with her life, the child has moved on with her life. Both are contributing members of their communities. But recently the mother found out that there is a group on facebook dedicated to the chat room. So the mother joined. She was amazed to find that after 20 years, because she protected her daughter and didn’t take any shit from this group of people, she’s still a villain. Someone recently wanted to join the group and because the didn’t know who it was, they automatically assumed it was the mother because the daughter was on the friends list.

The child molester….he’s on the sex offenders list, spent 6 years in jail, got out, stalked the victim and went back to jail to serve the rest of his term. And he’s not allowed on computers or the internet for the rest of his life.

But….the victim and her mother are the villains.

Knowledge is freedom

I learned a few things over the past few days. Some of it hurt, some of it made me realize how foolish I’ve been and some of it made me realize that I’m okay. Remember, I posted a few days ago that I had a sibling die? Well, I finally found her obit online. No big surprise, the adopted sibling, wasn’t mentioned. They like to deny that I was adopted but they can’t explain how my birth certificate got changed.  But I pretty much expected to be left out of her “family”.

The source of knowledge
The source of knowledge

In reading her obit, I realized that they always told me that she had a Master’s Degree in Psychology. Apparently she didn’t. I found it funny that assuming her husband Charles wrote the obit, he left out the job that she was doing when they met. She was a soda jerk at a department store in Chicago. I don’t remember the name of the store, but they sold a drink called the “Green River”, it’s how I learned to drink out of a straw.  And I found it amusing that that they got her mother’s name wrong. Her mother’s maiden name was Sanders. Not Yonts and it was never spelled with a Z. Beverly and Dorothy like to say that the spelling was changed so that Robert’s first wife couldn’t find him for child support. If that’s true then how did he get his brothers to change the spelling of the name too. And isn’t that a lot of expense for poor people to go through just to avoid having to pay child support? See if you look hard enough, their stories fall apart. And then there’s the matter of HIS birth certificate, it’s spelled with an S there too.  If you change your name, they don’t change your birth certificate. If you are adopted they do. Which would explain why my birth certificate shows that Dorothy and I have the same mother.

But the real knowledge came from something simple, like trying to find where to send flowers. Somewhere in the back of my head, under my crushed self esteem, no matter how Dorothy treated me, I’ve always felt that she was better than I was, no matter what she was always smarter than I was, prettier than I was, and had nicer things. So out of curiosity, I found her address. The house that she shared with her family. And you know what, It’s actually smaller than ours. And this is the same house that she’s had since the 80’s. I’ve been jealous for no reason. The sister that I’ve always had on a pedestal even though she didn’t deserve it, was no better than me. So she had a master’s degree, it wasn’t in psychology. She was a social worker.

She was no better than I am. She was a survivor in denial.

The death of a sibling

There were seven siblings, each one of us had suffered her abuse. While we don’t speak to each other, we all have the unspoken bond of being the “Surviving Seven”. I got the news last night that we were now six. The news made me sad for her family, but not sad for me.

The baby is the only survivor here.
The baby is the only survivor here.

You see we had not been close in 35 years. Not since she accused me of trying to seduce her worthless husband and threw me out of her house, I was 16. Up until then she had been my hero.  When I was little, she was my world. She taught me how to drink out of a straw, she took care of me when *Mother* had surgery. She took me to the dentist for the first time in my life. In fact, the only time I can remember until I was a teenager. She was thin, she was beautiful, she was kind, she was smart, I thought she loved me like I loved her. I thought she understood. My first clue came when she wanted me beat because her son fell into the water. It wasn’t my fault, but she didn’t see it that way.

Later when I was 13, her husband wanted me to watch porn with him. I told *Mother* she believed me. My sister didn’t. I showed her where the porn was, she said that I was snooping. Her loyalty was with her husband. As a grown up, I understand that a wife tends to believe her husband. But in this case, our niece confirmed the story too. I was labeled as the troublemaker. I had shown our niece where the porn was, I was trying to turn everyone against my brother-in-law.

Three years later, I really needed her. I needed her love, I needed her help. I got very little help and no love. She treated me like an evil person. I was allowed to stay at her house until I could find another place to stay. But I wasn’t allowed to interact with her family. I wasn’t good enough. I was trouble. I had a chance to get my life together and my sister, the great psychologist, took that chance away. She threw me out of her out because I had a yeast infection and she was inspecting my underwear to make sure I wasn’t having sex with her husband. Because we all know that if a 16 year old girl is having sex with a man over 40 it’s the girls fault right? She threw me out in the night  and that was the last time I spoke to her.

I’m sad for her three children. I’m not sad for her creep of a husband. But at the same time, I’m left to ponder a few things. Why was her facebook page under her middle name and her maiden name? Why are her three children not on her facebook page or her husband’s facebook page. Did their perfect little family finally implode? I’ll never know the answers because out of the Remaining Six, five refuse to speak to me unless it’s to yell at me or cuss me out for telling the story that we all lived. While I threw open the door to the closet and let all the roaches out and the skeletons out too, they want to deny it all. But that’s okay, we all know the truth and we all have to live with it.

Friendship…what does it mean to you?

Have you ever really sat down and thought about friendship and what it means, to you, to others, the the world? Websters dictionary defines friendship like this:

friendship

: the state of being friends : the relationship between friends

: a friendly feeling or attitude : kindness or help given to someone

Full Definition of FRIENDSHIP

1
:  the state of being friends
2
:  the quality or state of being friendly :  friendliness
3
obsolete :  aid